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Shepherd Smith is founder and president of the Institute for Youth Development, a non-partisan, non-profit organization that promotes a consistent, comprehensive risk-avoidance message to youth for the leading harmful risk behaviors. His articles appear in newspapers across the country.

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Turning Research into Everyday Parenting

By Shepherd Smith, 6/1/2004

Every time we look at our children, we hope and pray that we are making a difference for them, able to steer them through childhood, the turbulence of adolescence, and on to becoming a healthy and successful adult.

At the same time, we can’t help but worry, thinking there’s only so much we can do for our children and feeling that today, with the constant deluge of negative influences creeping into our homes through an expanding array of media, it is so much harder than when our parents were raising us. But there is very good news to be found in the most cutting-edge research being conducted by youth development experts.

It turns out that this research is revealing that parents can have a much greater impact than many of us ever imagined, and that what we do as parents can directly impact our children’s behavior, academic success, and the choices they make. The best news is that the most positive results come from good old, common sense parenting. And the researchers have specific parenting styles and techniques that predict success and safety for children.

Being around is one of them. Really – just simply being home and with your children has been shown to have enormous impact. Teens whose parents are physically present in the home – for example, in the morning, after school, at dinner, and at bedtime – are less likely to get into trouble with alcohol, drugs, sex, and tobacco and are more likely to do well academically. So lesson number one from the latest research is, just be there.

Good parenting is proving to be a mix of love and limits. “Hands on” parents are described as those who are supportive and caring yet clear about rules and consequences. Children who grow up with “hands on” parents are half as likely to get into trouble as teenagers as kids raised by “hands off” parents. Children whose parents are “hands off,” who are not involved in their lives, are more likely to lie, cheat in school, and get into fights. So lesson number two is, your children need to hear “I love you” and “No that’s against the rules” countless times.

This doesn’t mean lecturing. Indeed, youth development research is revealing that, when it comes to effective communication, lecturing usually doesn’t work well. Certainly there are times when lecturing is warranted, but usually children respond to and learn much better from a two-way conversation. Of course, how you converse with your sixteen-year-old will be much different than with your six-year-old. Find opportunities to have conversations. Listen to your child. Understand that the best teaching moments are not scripted and rarely occur on schedule.

The latest research is also revealing that, contrary to conventional wisdom, being demanding of your children doesn’t cause stress nor put too much pressure on them. It’s actually just the opposite. Clearly communicating to your children that you expect them to do well in school, for example, seems to give them a powerful understanding that you love them and know that they can succeed. Children with parents who set high expectations are children who know their parents believe, “You can do it!” And the research bears this out: parents who demand academic achievement have children who do better in school. Lesson number three: have high expectations for your children and make your expectations clear.

We’ve always suspected that getting children involved in activities is more than just fun, more than just keeping them busy. Research now confirms this. Children who take part in sports, for example, are more likely to get good grades and, when they become teenagers, less likely to experiment with sex. Religion is equally, if not more, important. Parents who see to it that their children participate in religious observances produce a protective shield for their kids – especially when it comes to academics, substance abuse, and sex. Nearly six in ten of teenagers, for example, who achieve above-average academic standing attend religious services regularly.

So here are tips for incorporating the most up-to-date research on parenting into everyday life with your children:

Plan your children into your schedule. Don’t let their lives and your life be parallel – you need to be there.
Each of your children should hear “I love you” five or more times per day.
Put down on paper your expectations for your children. Do your children know these expectations? Make sure they do.
Have dinner together as a family on a regular basis. There is no better setting for conversations.
Make sure your children are involved in activities such as sports and religious services. Don’t over-schedule your children – the one who will become most stressed out is you.

The final lesson is this: children and teenagers really want your guidance. Research is showing that teens, for example, report that the most influential people in their lives are not peers, teachers, or coaches: it’s their parents.

Shepherd Smith is the president of the Institute for Youth Development (IYD), a non-partisan, non-profit organization that promotes a consistent, comprehensive risk-avoidance message to youth for five harmful risk-behaviors that are inextricably linked: alcohol, drugs, sex, tobacco, and violence. To learn more about IYD visit www.youthdevelopment.org; to contact Mr. Smith, e-mail your info@youthdevelopment.org.

Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Media Services