IYD: For Parents - Parenting Paradox

Building & Strengthening Connections

Between work, school, and community commitments every parent's time is at a premium. But there are many ways to build and strengthen connections with your children that won't take many minutes from the day and will yield enormous benefits. Here are a few ideas.

1. Make a list of things you do right as a parent. You might do this at the end of the day or over a week. If appropriate, ask your children what they appreciate about your parenting. Focus on things such as: telling your children you love them; complimenting good behavior or positive decisions; thanking them for helping with household chores; including them when appropriate in important family discussions or decisions.

2. As objectively as possible, assess ways you can improve your parenting. Again, you might make a list at the end of the day or over a week. If appropriate, as your children how your relationship could improve. Focus on such things as: criticizing less; asking your children's opinions about things; controlling anger; monitoring language

3. Based on what you're doing right and what you wish to improve, set specific parenting goals that will help build connectedness. These could be daily, weekly, or monthly based on what is most appropriate for you. Goals could include things such as: spending 15 uninterrupted minutes focused on each child; turning off the television or putting down the newspaper to focus on your child when they are trying to talk with you; setting times for family meals together on certain days; not interrupting your child when he/she is trying to tell you something; consciously working to develop more patience.

4. Monitor your progress. Whether mentally or on paper, notice the differences in you and your children as you actively work to build and strengthen family connectedness.

No matter how long and hard one works at parenting there is always more to do and, all too often, multiple ways to do it better. Good and effective parenting is - as one discovers along the way - fluid and instance-specific. Parenting styles must adjust to each individual child. And even parenting the same child will require changes from age to stage. The challenges presented by solid food and potty training, for example, require effective parenting but in a somewhat different fashion from driving and dating.

While advice abounds on the early years-infancy through toddlerhood - the older the child becomes the fewer the resources for parents. In fact, many times parents trying to do the best possible job negotiating their child's adolescence face more criticism than counsel. It is easy to feel alone in the commitment to setting limits and shaping character. And the ultimate saboteur - "Parent's don't matter anyway, peers are what make the difference" - seems to assail from every side.

Even though it seems easier to believe the negative, parents must resist that temptation and understand that they do matter. In fact, research shows that parents matter most in their children's lives.

High school students responding to the Who's Who Among American High School Students 28th annual survey said that while peers have the most impact on their mood, mom (41 percent) and dad (19 percent) have the greatest influence on their lives. Most of these teens (66 percent) said they were happy at home most of the time, and will raise their children the same way their parents raised them. Lest one think that statistic relates to homes with few rules, 61 percent consider their parents to be somewhat strict, and 67 percent of the students say they will be equally as strict.

Likewise, the Horatio Alger Association's 1996 Mood of American Youth survey reported the overwhelming majority of students are "very happy" or "fairly happy" with their relationships with their mother (94 percent) and father (81 percent), and claim they hold a great deal of respect for their parents. Students express strong confidence in the caring and interest of their parents. Nearly 90 percent believe that parents are "always interested" or "usually interested" in them and their concerns. A majority of these students report their parents have rules related to drinking alcohol, completing school work, doing household chores, curfew, and smoking.

The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (known as Add Health) studied more than 90,000 students grades 7 through 12, including more than 20,000 face-to-face interviews. Researchers found that across all health outcomes examined - emotional distress, suicidal thoughts and attempts, violence perpetration, cigarette use, alcohol use, marijuana use, early sexual involvement, and pregnancy - the family and home environment are what most protect adolescents from harm. The teenager's feeling of connectedness with parents and family, feeling loved and cared for by parents matters in a big way.

When a parent is physically present in the home at key times, youth are less likely to use cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana, and less likely to be emotionally distressed. When teens perceive that their parents have high expectations for their school success, they have lower levels of emotional distress and, if in high school, are less likely to smoke cigarettes and engage in violent behavior. The home environment is also important in shaping health outcomes. If adolescents have easy access to cigarettes, alcohol and marijuana at home, they are more likely to use these substances. If teens have easy access to guns in the home, they are more likely to be involved in acts of violence.

The Institute for Youth Development's own focus group research is consistent with Add Health findings. Adolescents look to their parents as behavior models, they watch for consistency and notice when parents don't "walk the talk." Most of all they want their parents' time and attention.

These findings, viewed in terms of the parenting paradox, should help parents take heart. Parents can be encouraged that from young people's perspectives a lot is working well in American households.

... from young people's perspectives a lot is working well in American households
This research should also give parents some cues about where to focus their parenting time and attention. Rather than worrying inordinately about the day-to-day tussles over fashions, hair styles, telephone time, or leisure activities, parents should focus on building and strengthening their basic relationship - connectedness - with their children: being interested, attentive, involved, available. While this is relatively easy when children are under age 10, it becomes more difficult through adolescence. But we know from these studies that even if teens do not appear to care whether parents are around or not, what parents think or not, they do.

Would you like to read more about the importance of parents in helping youth avoid risk behaviors?